My Dad

I couldn't let the opportunity that is Father's Day pass me by without a little tribute to my dad. My dad rocks. He is a charming but curmudgeonly Southern gentleman who has taught me a lot of valuable lessons in life. I consider the most important one to be that if you can laugh through hard times and always try to keep a sense of humor, then you'll be okay. That and that you never, ever talk loudly when you are perched over a good fishin' hole.........

Anybody who knows both of us say that I am a lot like my dad. On most days, I take that as a happy compliment. It's been said (okay..by me) that my dad is an interesting mixture of G. Gordon Liddy and Andy Griffith with a teeny tiny tad of Paul Harvey thrown in. So, on this hallowed of all days, I am going to pay tribute to my dad with quotes from his very own mouth and keyboard. I keep a file on him. He never fails to delight and surprise me (and sometimes makes me e-mail my brother with, "He's your dad...do something about him... before I kill him..." )

Here goes:

"Any lady that spends time with me has to convert to Hermitism. I am devout at practicing Hermitism and I think it is essential to a full spiritual life. They can be Christians, Jewish, Catholic or Atheist but they have to be Hermitics first..."

"When Wal-Mart goes into the cloning business, I might just have myself cloned so that I could raise myself like I should have been raised. I'm sure I would be president or someone important by now. I would have changed the world. There would be no wars, no pain, and no feminists. Liberal Democrats would be a thing of the past and we would all live in harmony in a world according to David. Of course, I would have probably married someone like Hillary and you or Andy one would look like Chelsea..."

"I dreamed last night that I was riding around looking at freshly painted houses. All different colors with all colors of trim. I think my subconscious has a good decorating sense. I can't imagine why I was dreaming of such. I should be dreaming of kittens, horses, big breasted strippers and other nice things."

"Life travels a road that has many forks and turns in it. If you take some, you end up eating cheese burgers at McDonalds, but if you hold steadfast to what is good and true, you find yourself at Hardee's, the home of the new thick burger.."

"All of us do a lot of bitching and moaning, but really if you are healthy and have people around that love you, then you are doing all right in this world. I often remind myself of that old saying, ' I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet .'...We should all count our blessings and thank god for every day that we wake up in the morning. And that is my serious thought for the day. I have at least one serious thought every day. Then I forget about it and go back to bitching and moaning.."

"My only thought about geeks is that I wonder how a macho outdoorsman like myself raised two geeky younguns who would rather read and listen to unknown singers than they had shoot at little furry critters. The world is going to hell in a handbasket..."

"Snakes and nipples. Life on the lake sure is different from town living.."

"Winkie nipple woman is married. I never even look at married women. Well, I look as often as possible, but I would never think of flirting with one....."

" I wished I had a Wendy's out here. All we have is Hon's , Hon's #2 and Hon's #3. Hon's has videos for rent. Hon's #2 has a lake view and #3 has eggs for 89 cents a dozen. They all have chubby waitresses that call everybody 'Hon'..."

"I'm wondering if anyone ever has a vacation romance on those beach trips during the high school years or is it just an urban legend like attic fans that suck walls in on small children who don't eat their veggies. But that's another story.."

"She sounds like 'evil incarnate'....whatever that is..."

"Never talk to strangers. Just get in the car, eat the candy and sit quietly..."

"I always wonder about approaching someone. I think all single folks should wear flowers behind their ears to signify if they are available or not, like they do in some countries. I think they do that in Canada but I'm not sure....."

"I think a Jewish boy would be nice to have in the family. I could catch lots of fish for him to eat on Friday, oh wait....that's Catholics isn't it? He could sit out on the deck while we celebrate Christmas and we could sit out on there while he celebrated Hanooka or whatever..."

"So, you don't think I would look good with shoulder length hair? I think it might go well with my moustache and my 'devil may care' attitude..."

"Never play leap frog with a fat woman.."

"I'm always seeing women what I wonder what their status is. You know what I mean, are they really desperate, sitting home alone on long nights wishing they had a tall, lanky man to keep them company.."

" It's just a job. We have jobs too you know. Like if we cleaned Tom Waits' toilets, would we brag about it? By the way, who is Tom Waits?"

" I do have my finger on the pulse of the American single male. Now if only I could get my hands on some of those single American females, I would be doing just fine......"

" I thought she put up a fence. Did he have to stand on a box or something so he could see? It's not the same to have to stand on a box. That makes you feel a little perverted. It takes away from the 'hot Summer night' poetic thing if you have to stand on a box to see. Of course, I'm sure there is some demand for poetry written by people who stand on boxes to see breasts, but I'm not sure of the name of that magazine....."

"I agree that women are trouble. But so are boats, motorcycles, flashy cars and most things that men like to have around. If we got rid of everything that gives us trouble, we wouldn't have much now...would we, Missy?..."

"I just don't know about . He might be like okra. You like him in some ways but not in others. So do you want to be hooked up with okra for a long time?.."

"You better be careful dating him. I have to agree with Jerry on this one. Do you have a two foot by four foot crucifix that you can wear? If not, get on ebay and find one...."

"Yes...Rosemary did have bad hair. And she just happened to have a bunch of Yankee friends like you do. Them kind of people carry on some weird traditions. You be careful up there. When I said I wanted grandchildren, I didn't mean ones with scales and horns and such. I can hear it now, 'time to change little Beelzebub's diaper' .. ' I'm not going to do it, the last time he spit green oatmeal on me and gored me.'.."

"Sticks and stones only break bones, but neglect makes one insecure.."

"Them love triangles, hexagons, and octagons can get messy.."

"Hugh Hefner" - ( when asked which historical figure he admires most)

"I most dislike liver and mean people. Just ain't no good way to fix either.."

"Oh, I'm sure if the right geek comes along and wants to camp a little, you will go right along with him. Ya'll can sit around a camp fire and roast cocktail wieners, read poems that don't rhyme and sing Tom Waits songs...."

And finally, this one for father's day:

"But I think in the end, you and Andy turned out to be pretty good adults, so I guess we did all right. I don't think I have any regrets on my parenting. Except maybe shoving bran flakes down Andy's mouth one time. But I guess I just got tired of hearing Andy and his mother bickering so much, I just snapped. "