Mark your calendars

This year, my little town decided to have 4th of July on the 3rd of July. Why? Because the 4th of July came on a Sunday. Still, I decided not to join the yearly Franklin festivities. I've gone to three...count 'em....three events in this town and they are as follows:

1. The 4th of July festivities back in 2000.

At the time, I was new here and figured, "hey. why not?" The celebration that year took place in our town square which is actually not even a square but a circle where you can sometimes drive into but can't easily drive out of. Round and round you go around the statue of the civil war soldier and the cannons. Those who hate it call it " the squircle" but most of the townsfolk still call it "the square" thus maddeningly confusing every new visitor to our town when they try to give them directions. I think it is the chamber of commerce's attempt to trap travelers until they buy yards and yards of quilting fabric, a quart of Ben and Jerry's ice cream that costs more than my first car, and a couple hundred dollars worth of embroidered culottes at Chico's.

Side note:

I feel that I can't even dabble in the subject of downtown Franklin without telling you about the great bubble machine controversy or as it is known here "The Bubble Wars". One of the merchants ( a soap maker) has had a bubble machine out front for years and years. The townsfolk love it. Our town is squeaky clean and what, my friends is cleaner than bubbles? For years, they wafted through the air making the passersby smile. I can't lie. I liked the bubbles too. They were cute.

So, a new merchant moves in next door and immediately takes offense at the bubbles. She said that the bubbles are " a nuisance" and that she was constantly having to clean her windows because little kids chase the bubbles and slam up against her front glass. I found this highly funny because I can't imagine thinking that this is anything less than entertainment watching little jumpered children smack against my storefront like bugs against windshield. But, hey....that's what she said. So, she takes her complaint to the council and they shut down the bubble machine.

The townsfolk went wild! The papers printed article after article about the controversy. No bubble machine?! How can this be?? Before you know it - the bubble machine was back! I have no idea who had to sleep with whom to get the bubbles back, but I promise you it wasn't me. ( But, you can thank me for the ground-breaking of our new Krispy Kreme....)

Now, once again, the new merchant complains. This time she says that the bubble machine is a safety threat because little kids not only chase the bubbles into her window, but they also run out into traffic after the bubbles. Now, are you thinking what I am thinking? Could it possibly be that it's not the bubbles that are to be blamed and outlawed here...... but the children?

I'm drawing up a proposal to present to the council. I'll let you know how it goes.

End of side note.

Okay....to make a long story even longer - the 4th of July, 2000. I stumbled upon the celebration in time to see a stage full of elderly women dancing. They were dressed in red, white and blue sequined shorts and halter tops. These golden girls wore sparkly tap shoes on their feet and top hats decorated with American flags and danced around while singing patriotic songs. At the end, they jumped out into the crowd waving flags and kissing babies and then jumped back on stage and ended by yelling in unison, "Happy Birthday America!" This must have been a tradition as the crowd yelled back, "Happy Birthday America!" My friend and I immediately launched into a debate with each other as to how this wasn't actually the birthday of America. Fireworks were shot off behind the stage for what must have been a total of two minutes. Then the crowd dispersed. Happy Birthday America.

#2 - Christmas Parade - 2000

There are two reasons that I am glad that I went to this Christmas Parade. The first is that there was a float representing a support group for diabetic children. What makes this float special is that it was a float full of diabetic children who were throwing out candy. Seriously. Candy.

The second is the float for the Jehovah's Witnesses.. I am not sure how this float got approved for this particular parade but it rocked. It was decked in gray paper with black streamers with an enormous papier mache' bomb on the back with a fuse shooting sparks. Little waving children rode the float decorated with messages telling us that the end of time was coming and that we were all probably going to die. I wish that I were kidding. No, actually I don't. These were two of the coolest floats I have ever seen. Santa Claus rounded it all out as he should have. Happy holidays.

#3 - Bluegrass Festival - 2001

It was your usual bluegrass festival. Lots of great music. Corn on a stick. Buck-dancing.

Oh yes. Buck-dancing. For those of you who have never seen buck-dancing, you must. I guarantee you that you have never seen legs move like legs move during buck-dancing.

So, they had a competition. Actually, they had competitions all day long -in the boiling July heat, not under shade trees but in a parking lot with the heat from the asphalt rising up like the heat of a thousand suns. I had long since become trapped there as my cotton skirt had sweated itself up to my lower back and had firmly attached itself there as I sank down in the metal folding chair. If I got up from my front row seat , every row behind me was going to see London and France and my underpants - and at eye level. I sat on the folding chair and wished for the end of the competitions. Or if nothing else - nightfall or a sudden rain storm. The heat from the metal chair seared my thighs like prime ribs as I waited for an act of god.

Buck-dancers young and old danced in competition after competition. I was about to pass out and had to pee so bad that I thought I was going to die. My friend drank ice cold sodas and dined on buttery popcorn and openly enjoyed my predicament. The dancing continued. I wondered if this was what hell was like. I reasoned that it was probably a lot like this but probably a bit cooler and with more kids playing fiddles.

After what seemed like an eternity, the final competition came around and I sat with blistered skin and parched lips, with the posture of a dish rag, watching and waiting to go home. The finalists were a man named Thomas who bore an uncanny resemblance to Jerry Reed and a little man with the longest, most glorious mullet I had ever seen. His name was Mitchell. (There was another competitor as well but he must have so paled in comparison to mini-mullet and Jerry Reed that his face has been erased from my memory.)

So, off they danced! Their legs were flying! Their arms were tight at their sides! The competition was cut-throat! You could feel the tension in the air. The pickers played faster. The dancers danced faster. The judges stared at the stage with baited eyes. The crowd leaned forward in their chairs (well, everyone except for me) and waited to see who claimed the title.

All of a sudden and in mid-step, Mini-mullet passed out and plummeted off the stage, his long train of hair flapping in the breeze like an unopened parachute as he went down. He had worked up quite a bit of inertia as the little lord of the dance and barely missed the huge factory fan at the base of the stage. A foot or so further, and the little hoofer could have been scalped right there! Mitchell lay there in a heap in front of us with his little legs twitching and his hair fanned out behind him like a felled animal. The crowd gasped. Paramedics rushed to his side and began to check his vitals. My friend sang a whispered, sadistic song in my ear, "Another one bites the dust..."

The emcee of the event grabbed the mike and asked the paramedics if he was okay. They yelled up that he had just passed out from the heat and that he would be fine. The emcee motioned and the pickers resumed picking. The remaining two dancers continued to dance like whirling dervishes while Mitchell lay there on the asphalt with his sweaty, western shirt undone down to his belly at the front of the stage. The show went on. Thomas won the competition and later on, they brought an embarrassed Mitchell on stage for a round of applause and they gave him a ribbon for his troubles. He accepted the ribbon graciously and thanked the town of Franklin for having him.