Morality plays

Something has replaced the bubble machine controversy in my sweet, sleepy little town.

A little something called Victoria's Secret. The headline in the newspaper read, "It's Hardly A Secret". The corresponding article told how Victoria's Secret has opened up after being closed for remodeling to a newer, bigger store complete with "scantily clad, lifelike mannequins".

The first quote was from the mom of six year old, Chase: "I shouldn't have to cover my son's eyes to walk into the mall."

Then we have the mother of a nine year old boy: "I told him that it was wrong and that I would explain to him when he got a little older why women wear that stuff. The more I thought about it, the madder I got. We're building the biggest churches here but we're representing our community this way?"

(sound of soapbox being pulled out from dark storage place, cobwebs being dusted off.)

The article then told how these mothers and several others have been networking through area churches asking people to call the mall office and the store to complain. The three women said they've shopped at Victoria's Secret before and have no problem with the merchandise - they just wish that the more revealing items were not displayed in the windows or at the store entrance.

(sound of one sneakered foot landing on box)

And the strangest quote of all comes from the same mother who covers her son's eyes when they enter the mall:

" They have all the kid things there: Santa and the Easter Bunny. I told them I won't come back to this store until they change it."

(sound of second sneakered foot landing on box and a quick cracking of the typing fingers)

Okay, so....it was killing me. I had to see it for myself. What slice of Sodom and Gomorrah had been dished up piping hot at the local Galleria? What had all of these moms dashing to cover children's eyes? What had set the church hotlines on fire? I packed up my camera and my little notepad and today on my lunch hour, I broke my rule against going into malls. I had to see what was what.

As I walked into the mall, I passed the sensible Talbots window displaying Summer-weight jumpers and the little kiosk for gourmet dog bones, the huge gumball machine and the guys hawking cell phones. I turned the corner and there it was - Victoria's Secret. The first thing that struck me was that they had finally gotten rid of their bright fuchsia and gold whorehouse color scheme. The store was now an elegant crème color with subdued lighting. I then walked past a mannequin in the window, arms raised above her head in a fashion only once reserved for girls who dance in cages, her bikini bottom complete with black fringe. Kapow!

I walked inside and the sales clerk met me with a smile and asked if she could help me.

I had instant flashbacks of the last time a Victoria's Secret sales clerk tried to "help" me. That instance ended with me sitting in a plush hot pink dressing room on a gold throne with mounds of bras around me (bras with names that sounded like strippers and small French dogs) while she consulted with her comrades on why nothing fit me. Should they add padding? One of those granny hook extenders in the back? They finally deducted (after waaay too many of them coming in the room with me to take a look) that I have large shoulders for a girl but only a moderate bust size. Holy brassieres, batman! Like I needed a bunch of sales clerks to tell me that....not since Junior High had I been so humiliated. They then committed the most cardinal of retail sins and told me that perhaps I should go to J.C. Penny's. They sent me to Penny's - the home of sensible bras for sensible women. They said they were sure that I would find just the right thing there.

That particular scenario ended with me in a bland manila Penny's dressing room with stained carpet, this time surrounded by sensible bras with cups large enough to fit my entire head - bras fashioned from sturdy fibers that I had a sneaking suspicion contained asbestos and fiberglass - bras with straps so wide that I was sure that my shoulders would collapse from the pressure of the sturdy space-age elastic bands.....

But...back to the story at hand. The sales clerk asked if she could help me. I had the above out of body flashback experience and then I said to her, "Um...not really. Hey...are those the mannequins that everyone is making such a fuss over?" I pointed out a couple including the Asian looking one crawling on her knees toward the pajama section like a kitten, with her hind end up in the air. She said that yes, those were the ones. We both laughed for a bit and talked about how people overreact about things like plastic mannequins wearing underwear. I then asked her if I could take some photos. Her eyes grew large and she said that there was no way that I could take photos. I asked her if I could sneak and take photos. She then told me that I could quickly take some from outside during which time she would "pretend" not to see me. She then asked me to please not tell anyone that she spoke to me.

Yikes. It had become a regular Pantygate up in there.

The scandal! The intrigue! The three for one panty deal!

So, I snapped some quick photos - with passersby looking at me like I was some sort of pervert or perhaps an art school drop out with a thing for underwear models. I then ducked back inside and thanked her for her patience with me. She offered me a membership in the Victoria's Secret Panty Club. I asked if there was a secret decoder ring. She said that sadly there was not. I left the mall wondering what members of a panty club do. I imagined that it is somehow more exciting than Oprah's book club but not nearly as annoying as the CD of the month club. I also wondered how actual living women could walk in that thong with feathers up the back without both insult and injury.

(sound of soapbox creaking from extended, wasted weight)

I would just like to interject a few thoughts on the whole debate. First, regarding the mother who said that she will explain to her nine year old son when he is "older" why women wear those sort of things. What on earth is she going to tell him? It scares me. These are underwear, for heaven's sake. And the thing that really gets me is that the women, these church members will freely admit that they have bought items from the store but at the same time, don't want their children to even know that such horrible, scandalous things exist. It is just bizarre to me.

I would like to insert a quote from my friend, Chance here:

"Just like Janet Jackson's boob, I would much rather have to explain this to my kid than Iraq."

I just don't understand why we as a society teach our children that things like our bodies and sexuality are wrong. Why parents want to pretend like things like underwear stores and sex education are the downfall of society. It's when we take normal, natural things (not including thongs with feathers in all the wrong places) that we make the same normal, natural things seem dirty and wrong. That is exactly what gets kids in trouble. They have no answers and all of the questions. If we take things and make them seem edgy and dark, then kids are going to want to go and find out the answers too soon. That mother who covers her kid's eyes when he walks past the store - he probably wouldn't think one thing about the display until she makes a big deal out of it. I just have to say that guidance and honesty and not censorship are the answers here.

Of course, I couldn't let this comment pass us by:

"We're building the biggest churches here but we're representing our community this way?"

When will people stop thinking that just because they build huge churches and fill them with well-dressed people, they have done their part to make society a better place? What do bigger churches have to do with anything? People starve and freeze to death in the shadows of big churches every day. It takes more than building a big, fancy church. It takes sometimes stepping outside of that church - stepping outside of the boundaries and questioning the gray areas. Not just being one of the sheep. Seeing when the old way isn't working anymore. Taking a new way.

The fact of the matter is that kids can't turn on the TV or go to a movie or open a magazine without being barraged with demeaning and unrealistic ideas and images. Our society - our media - will always overflow with such things. Like an oil spill slowly seeping towards the shore. We don't need to try and protect them. We can't possibly. We need to arm them with what they need to see past these things. We need to teach them that their bodies are sacred and that their own self esteem is worth more than society tells them that it is.

We don't need to teach our kids that they are wrong for having thoughts and feelings and questions.

And for the love of all that is good and holy, don't go bringing Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny into this. Haven't they suffered enough?

(stepping down and adjusting fallen bra strap)